Thoughts: I fear rejection \u2013 crave acceptance. I want to make you happy because I love you. I want to make you happy so you\u2019ll love me. In simple words, when you\u2019re not happy with me\u2026I have failed.<\/p>\n
I dare say I was born into a rather\u2026typical \u2018Asian\/conservative\u2019 family?
\nYou know, lots of cousins, lots of aunts and uncles etc. Every decision made goes through everyone in the family \u2013 yes even the extended family. And being in such a large family means that there will be certain expectations of you whether you like it or not.<\/p>\n
Growing up I\u2019ve always felt like the \u2018under-achiever\u2019 of the family. I couldn\u2019t sing, haven\u2019t won as many awards, can\u2019t do public speaking to save my life, awkward as heck\u2026and just always academically slightly behind. Always second place basically.<\/p>\n
Hence, growing up I leaned towards being a \u2018people-pleaser\u2019. Doing things to make people happy and to keep the peace.<\/p>\n
Yet this past year or so had me failing many many times (both intangibly and tangibly) to live up to several expectations of people who I thought wanted more from me, and also the expectations I had of myself.<\/p>\n
Feelings of failure had become so evident at this point that even minor failures \u2013 like not being able to think of writing topics \u2013 would reduce me to tears. My anxiety increased ridiculously during that time and so did my eating disorder. Everything was grey \u2013 nothing had meaning to it anymore. I was done.<\/p>\n
The juxtaposition of who I want to be, and who I actually am, did not line up. I woke up one morning, my anxiety through the roof for no apparent reason, looked out the window and realised that life shouldn\u2019t be like this. Why am I like this? Trapped in a bubble of anxiety. Miserable.<\/p>\n
My anxiety\u2026my eating disorder. What has that done to me? Well\u2026look at me, I\u2019ve dropped out of med school. Does that make me a failure? At the time, yes\u2026I saw myself as a failure. But now, looking back\u2026maybe dropping out wasn\u2019t such a bad idea.<\/p>\n
Now I don\u2019t consider it \u2018dropping\u2019 out of med school. More like, taking a break to decide which step next to take in life. To recover. A part of me still nudges me sometimes, saying how I am \u2018wasting\u2019 a year by doing this, yet another part of me knows that I need to recover both mentally and physically if I want to be able to do anything in the long run.<\/p>\n
Every day (even now) my thoughts conflict with each other \u2013 whether it would be due to comments made about how this anxiety and eating disorder was \u2018my fault\u2019\u2026or whether it would be blame from my own self.<\/p>\n
I know there are expectations people hold. Yes. I acknowledge the fact that I may have failed some people. But whether their hope in me was correct or not, my mind was constantly battling those conflicting thoughts on things I could\u2019ve done better in the past \u2013 decisions I could\u2019ve made better.<\/p>\n
The sadness of \u2018what was\u2019 overshadowed what \u2018would be\u2019. In a sense, I was still stuck in the past.<\/p>\n
Disappointing people is painful. Disappointing the people you love, not being able to make them happy\u2026and even being a source of worry for them \u2013 it makes me want to hide, disappear, and just cry. What an embarrassment.<\/p>\n
Rationally you can\u2019t please everyone\u2026and I know that \u2013 my rational mind knows that. My irrational mind doesn\u2019t.<\/p>\n
Maybe I can\u2019t please you today, tomorrow, next week\u2026or ever. But does it matter?<\/p>\n
My irrational mind wants to defy the odds and live up to the expectations held of me all these years (whether those were expectations I held of myself, or held by my family\/society\u2026 I don\u2019t know).<\/p>\n
I wanted to do better\u2026but I am not. Wow. Typing that hurt a lot. But after \u2018resting\u2019 at home for the past few months, going through ups and downs, relapse after relapse\u2026I\u2019ve done a lot of thinking.<\/p>\n
And you know what I\u2019ve realised? I\u2019ve realised that my hope cannot be in what someone thinks of me. Constantly seeking the approval of someone\u2026it\u2019ll drive you crazy. I mean 18 years of constantly trying to please people and seeking their approval, or even the approval of yourself \u2013 look what happened!<\/p>\n
On the plus side though, you become more understanding, more compassionate and sensitive to the emotions of others. More empathetic to the world around you. Often I find myself asking people whether or not they are okay. Maybe it\u2019s because you know what it feels like to \u2018not be okay\u2019, and you do everything in your power to make sure they don\u2019t have to feel like that (you know what I mean?).<\/p>\n
I admit, going through the anxiety and eating disorder made my faith in the Lord drop for a period of time. Every relapse I went through it just felt like He wasn\u2019t there.<\/p>\n
A few months ago I decided to pick up a book of devotions that was laying around on the bookshelf in my room. I\u2019m not sure what compelled me to open up the book, but when I did\u2026what was written in there spoke so profoundly to me.<\/p>\n
My works and deeds do not have any bearing on my salvation. Through Christ I have been approved \u2013 not only that, I have been approved AND delighted in.<\/p>\n
In my multitude of weaknesses, He is strong. His joy is my strength \u2013 my weaknesses will be built up for His glory.<\/p>\n
Living for God can be both very freeing and very difficult. Freeing, because you\u2019re no longer living just to seek the approval of others; but difficult because most of the time\u2026you don\u2019t get to justify \u2018why\u2019 it was done, or whether it was \u2018the right choice\u2019 to make. All you have is the faith you hold in your heart. And sometimes all you really need is that faith you hold.<\/p>\n
Some mornings I still wake up and feel like a failure; like I\u2019ve wasted my entire year trying to get over my eating disorder. My anxiety would build up and I would cry (yes I cry a lot). But it\u2019s during these times you just have to remember that God will never disappoint. He is always faithful. Always kind. And always patient.<\/p>\n
God puts dreams in our hearts for a reason \u2013 even if you cannot see those dreams yet. A small setback doesn\u2019t mean that God has abandoned you or that those dreams you had are now unattainable. God works in His own divine timing, and His timing is ALWAYS perfect. Just trust Him and keep your faith. Pray without ceasing.<\/p>\n
We learn from our mistakes. We\u2019ll fall over and over again whilst trying to navigate the maze of life. Sometimes it\u2019ll seem like everyone has turned their backs on you. But what\u2019s important is to continue walking, even if you fall over, just stand up and walk on.<\/p>\n
God\u2019s joy is my strength. I know He has the best plan. Trust Him.<\/p>\n
By Tiff<\/span> Thoughts: I fear rejection \u2013 crave acceptance. I want to make you happy because I love you. I want to make you happy so you\u2019ll love me. In simple words, when you\u2019re not happy with me\u2026I have failed. I dare say I was born into a rather\u2026typical \u2018Asian\/conservative\u2019 family? You know, lots of cousins, lots […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":48980,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[183,188,10],"tags":[],"aioseo_notices":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/scaccmm.sarawakmethodist.org\/new\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/18383"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/scaccmm.sarawakmethodist.org\/new\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/scaccmm.sarawakmethodist.org\/new\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/scaccmm.sarawakmethodist.org\/new\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/scaccmm.sarawakmethodist.org\/new\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=18383"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/scaccmm.sarawakmethodist.org\/new\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/18383\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/scaccmm.sarawakmethodist.org\/new\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/48980"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/scaccmm.sarawakmethodist.org\/new\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=18383"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/scaccmm.sarawakmethodist.org\/new\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=18383"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/scaccmm.sarawakmethodist.org\/new\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=18383"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}
\nCurrently studying in Australia<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"