{"id":18543,"date":"2019-11-18T07:46:39","date_gmt":"2019-11-17T23:46:39","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/scaccmm.sarawakmethodist.org\/?p=18543"},"modified":"2019-11-18T07:46:39","modified_gmt":"2019-11-17T23:46:39","slug":"candle-in-the-storm-anorexia-made-me-a-liar","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/scaccmm.sarawakmethodist.org\/new\/?p=18543","title":{"rendered":"CANDLE in the STORM: Anorexia made me a liar"},"content":{"rendered":"

\u201cThen you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.\u201d – John 8:32<\/span><\/p>\n

All the while my parents have always emphasized to my siblings and I that the important fundamental morals in life are:
\n\u2022 Be responsible for our actions.
\n\u2022 Be respectful to those around us
\n\u2022 Treat others the way we would want to be treated
\n\u2022 Hold tightly onto God\u2019s word
\n\u2022 ALWAYS tell the truth<\/p>\n

As a young girl I\u2019ve always been a terrible liar. Not terrible in the sense that I lied often, but terrible in the sense that in the few times I\u2019ve lied to my parents (*cough* Yes I\u2019ve finished my homework\u2026), they\u2019ve always found out. Yes\u2026I got punished for it. Let\u2019s face it. I sucked at lying\u2026so I barely ever did it. Lying to anyone would make me feel too guilty.<\/p>\n

But anorexia changed me. Anorexia made me a liar.<\/p>\n

Anorexia made me see myself as fat, ugly, and worthless. I was shy, weird\u2026and well, basically just a lifeless girl who had lost all her personality. My interests and passions in life were virtually non-existent. I had no good qualities\u2026but I became good at lying. And I was unable to stop it.<\/p>\n

Isn\u2019t it ironic though \u2013 anorexia makes you so fragile emotionally, physically, and mentally \u2013 yet I still found the ability to go against the very values instilled in me for the past 18 years. Ugh.<\/p>\n

Soon enough I became an \u2018expert\u2019 in lying. I could look people in the eye and lie \u2013 without a second thought. I hid behind my lies because the truth simply hurt too much. It became the only way to avoid answering the constant food \u2018interrogations\u2019 from concerned family and friends.<\/p>\n

I lied. I said I was fine, that I was recovering and that I\u2019ve eaten all my meals today. No I don\u2019t self-harm anymore. Yes\u2026I was \u2018happy\u2019.<\/p>\n

Not only was I lying to those around me, I was also lying to myself. I convinced myself that I was fat, that I wasn\u2019t sick. I convinced myself that I deserved to die. Those were all lies too. But I became so good at lying that I had even convinced myself to believe my own lies.<\/p>\n

But my intentions weren\u2019t to be untruthful to those I loved. Through the lies, I had managed to trick myself and others into thinking that I was indeed eating everything on my meal plan.<\/p>\n

No I did not want ice cream because I didn\u2019t want to gain weight. I \u2018don\u2019t like\u2019 cheese or sugar due to the calorie content. Is that ok?<\/p>\n

Instead of being truthful about why I didn\u2019t want ice cream, or avoided cheese\/sugar\u2026it was easier to just lie about it. Yes I ate the ice cream already. No\u2026I\u2019m lactose intolerant so I can\u2019t have cheese etc. Those lies stopped people questioning, and the need for further explanation.<\/p>\n

Lying didn\u2019t get me anywhere though. I continued to lie throughout my hospital admissions as I sunk deeper into my eating disorder. What most people don\u2019t know about lying, is that the truth will come out. ALWAYS.<\/p>\n

You can continue to repeat the same lies, but when the truth eventually comes out \u2013 you will find yourself losing the trust of those closest to you. Similarly, you can continue lying to yourself. But one day you will want the truth yourself. And when that day comes, you\u2019ll be challenged with what are truths and what are lies; because you\u2019ve been lying to yourself for so long.<\/p>\n

What about small white lies? They\u2019re harmless aren\u2019t they?<\/p>\n

Well, one small lie leads to the next, and then a few more each time. Before you know it, you\u2019ve gotten yourself tangled in your own mess of lies. And telling the truth is the only way to untangle yourself.<\/p>\n

I lied to my family, my friends, and everyone who cared about me. I say I\u2019ve eaten when in reality I haven\u2019t. I say I don\u2019t exercise, but I still do in secret. The whole process of developing an eating disorder stems from lying. Yes, even to those you love.<\/p>\n

Eventually I found out the hard way, that lying honestly gets you nowhere. Sure I was convincing trying to make it seem like I had eaten (crumbs and wrappers). But when my weight dropped despite following \u2018everything\u2019 on my meal plan, my lies became transparent.<\/p>\n

One too many lies later\u2026I lost all my integrity. But most importantly I had lost the trust of those who I loved. That was the most painful part.<\/p>\n

Now I\u2019ve come to realise that it would\u2019ve been much better to tell the truth. It is ok to struggle with meals, skip snacks, or have mini relapses. That\u2019s all part of recovery. But telling someone about it truthfully is much better than covering it up with lies right?<\/p>\n

Looking back\u2026it hurts me a lot to think of how I lied to everyone who cared. But in reality, I just could not help it at the time. Rebuilding the broken trust takes time, and one way to do that is to prove that you CAN recover. That you CAN overcome your eating disorder.<\/p>\n

Find your inner courage and break that terrible cycle of lies. Don\u2019t wait to be discovered. The truth hurts\u2026but the consequences of lying are far worse.<\/p>\n

By Tiffany<\/span><\/strong>
\nCurrently studying in Australia<\/span><\/strong><\/h6>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

\u201cThen you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.\u201d – John 8:32 All the while my parents have always emphasized to my siblings and I that the important fundamental morals in life are: \u2022 Be responsible for our actions. \u2022 Be respectful to those around us \u2022 Treat others the way […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":48980,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[183,192,10],"tags":[],"aioseo_notices":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/scaccmm.sarawakmethodist.org\/new\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/18543"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/scaccmm.sarawakmethodist.org\/new\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/scaccmm.sarawakmethodist.org\/new\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/scaccmm.sarawakmethodist.org\/new\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/scaccmm.sarawakmethodist.org\/new\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=18543"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/scaccmm.sarawakmethodist.org\/new\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/18543\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/scaccmm.sarawakmethodist.org\/new\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/48980"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/scaccmm.sarawakmethodist.org\/new\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=18543"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/scaccmm.sarawakmethodist.org\/new\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=18543"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/scaccmm.sarawakmethodist.org\/new\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=18543"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}