Dear Anorexia,
You weren’t expecting this letter from me were you?
To be honest, I’m not sure how to tell you this, but I’ve finally decided to part ways with you (again) – but let’s make it long term this time.
You see…
You made me isolate myself from everyone – promising me that sticking to my ‘food rules’, restricting, and working out would lead to happiness. That, the lower the figure on the scale, the closer to happiness I would be right? NO! Anorexia you’re a liar. That isolation from the world led me to becoming even more miserable. The more miserable I got, the more I turned to you, Anorexia.
Do you know how much you’ve taken away from me ever since I met you? All the experiences I could’ve had, the relationships and memories I could’ve formed. Not only have you taken away my mind, body and happiness – but you’ve also taken away the happiness of those who I love the most.
Anorexia you’re clingy…and kind of obsessive. These obsessive ways of yours made me swirl out of control. Those countless hours spent making up excuses to avoid food, obsessively counting each and every calorie, and planning each meal to avoid next…those hours I could’ve spent with my family, or with my friends instead. Those moments I could’ve spent living life!
All this time I thought you were my friend! But now I realise that you were my downfall. You made me feel like I was in control because you knew, that was what I needed to feel – control. But in reality, you were the one controlling me – in your own little world. I was dying in your world, Anorexia.
Hair loss, dizzy spells, slow heart rate, malnutrition…and just moments away from organ failure – all this time you were just trying to kill me weren’t you?!
Am I mad at you?
Yes. A whole lot actually. But…yet Anorexia, I do not hate you. Sure, you nearly destroyed my life, and stole the happiness of both myself and those around me. But if I hadn’t met you, maybe I wouldn’t be the person I am now.
I know you’re confused aren’t you Anorexia?
I’m slowly regaining my life, but with a greater purpose this time. You changed me – for the better. As I walk my own recovery road, I’m ready to help others with their own recovery journey, ready to raise awareness. Because of you I see the world differently now.
I want to experience life – living and relishing every moment! But most importantly, I’ve come to learn that the most important battles we face, are our own internal battles. Just because these battles cannot be seen, does not make them irrelevant.
After getting to know you, Anorexia, my heart has grown. You taught me to be a fighter. Now I’m not afraid to speak up for those in need, or offer friendship to those who have none. You taught me that a life worth living, is a life worth fighting for – and that fears are there to be overcome.
So despite all the pain you put me through, I’m now learning that life is indeed beautiful – and I’m slowly repainting all the colours in my once black and white world. Thank you for that.
But even though I’m breaking up with you…I know you and I will never really part ways – especially now during my early stages of recovery. It will never be a clean break. There are still days when you and I are one – when the disordered thoughts take control of my mind again.
I do hope you’ll start visiting less and less in the future though. Maybe those daily ‘visits’ will become weekly, then monthly…and hopefully even yearly. But at the end of the day, we both know we’ll still continue seeing each other from time to time. Anorexia there will always be a part of you within me. Maybe not in my head, but definitely in my heart.
Anorexia you’ve changed my life. Now watch me change my own life and the lives of others. Couldn’t have done it without you!
Sincerely,
Tiff