“Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” – John 8:32
All the while my parents have always emphasized to my siblings and I that the important fundamental morals in life are:
• Be responsible for our actions.
• Be respectful to those around us
• Treat others the way we would want to be treated
• Hold tightly onto God’s word
• ALWAYS tell the truth
As a young girl I’ve always been a terrible liar. Not terrible in the sense that I lied often, but terrible in the sense that in the few times I’ve lied to my parents (*cough* Yes I’ve finished my homework…), they’ve always found out. Yes…I got punished for it. Let’s face it. I sucked at lying…so I barely ever did it. Lying to anyone would make me feel too guilty.
But anorexia changed me. Anorexia made me a liar.
Anorexia made me see myself as fat, ugly, and worthless. I was shy, weird…and well, basically just a lifeless girl who had lost all her personality. My interests and passions in life were virtually non-existent. I had no good qualities…but I became good at lying. And I was unable to stop it.
Isn’t it ironic though – anorexia makes you so fragile emotionally, physically, and mentally – yet I still found the ability to go against the very values instilled in me for the past 18 years. Ugh.
Soon enough I became an ‘expert’ in lying. I could look people in the eye and lie – without a second thought. I hid behind my lies because the truth simply hurt too much. It became the only way to avoid answering the constant food ‘interrogations’ from concerned family and friends.
I lied. I said I was fine, that I was recovering and that I’ve eaten all my meals today. No I don’t self-harm anymore. Yes…I was ‘happy’.
Not only was I lying to those around me, I was also lying to myself. I convinced myself that I was fat, that I wasn’t sick. I convinced myself that I deserved to die. Those were all lies too. But I became so good at lying that I had even convinced myself to believe my own lies.
But my intentions weren’t to be untruthful to those I loved. Through the lies, I had managed to trick myself and others into thinking that I was indeed eating everything on my meal plan.
No I did not want ice cream because I didn’t want to gain weight. I ‘don’t like’ cheese or sugar due to the calorie content. Is that ok?
Instead of being truthful about why I didn’t want ice cream, or avoided cheese/sugar…it was easier to just lie about it. Yes I ate the ice cream already. No…I’m lactose intolerant so I can’t have cheese etc. Those lies stopped people questioning, and the need for further explanation.
Lying didn’t get me anywhere though. I continued to lie throughout my hospital admissions as I sunk deeper into my eating disorder. What most people don’t know about lying, is that the truth will come out. ALWAYS.
You can continue to repeat the same lies, but when the truth eventually comes out – you will find yourself losing the trust of those closest to you. Similarly, you can continue lying to yourself. But one day you will want the truth yourself. And when that day comes, you’ll be challenged with what are truths and what are lies; because you’ve been lying to yourself for so long.
What about small white lies? They’re harmless aren’t they?
Well, one small lie leads to the next, and then a few more each time. Before you know it, you’ve gotten yourself tangled in your own mess of lies. And telling the truth is the only way to untangle yourself.
I lied to my family, my friends, and everyone who cared about me. I say I’ve eaten when in reality I haven’t. I say I don’t exercise, but I still do in secret. The whole process of developing an eating disorder stems from lying. Yes, even to those you love.
Eventually I found out the hard way, that lying honestly gets you nowhere. Sure I was convincing trying to make it seem like I had eaten (crumbs and wrappers). But when my weight dropped despite following ‘everything’ on my meal plan, my lies became transparent.
One too many lies later…I lost all my integrity. But most importantly I had lost the trust of those who I loved. That was the most painful part.
Now I’ve come to realise that it would’ve been much better to tell the truth. It is ok to struggle with meals, skip snacks, or have mini relapses. That’s all part of recovery. But telling someone about it truthfully is much better than covering it up with lies right?
Looking back…it hurts me a lot to think of how I lied to everyone who cared. But in reality, I just could not help it at the time. Rebuilding the broken trust takes time, and one way to do that is to prove that you CAN recover. That you CAN overcome your eating disorder.
Find your inner courage and break that terrible cycle of lies. Don’t wait to be discovered. The truth hurts…but the consequences of lying are far worse.