Something I’ve been thinking a lot about lately is how I still find it hard to accept my previous experiences with self-harm. I don’t mind sharing my experiences surrounding anxiety and depression – I’ll openly discuss it with you if you ask. Same with issues regarding eating disorders. But this issue with self-harm has always been something I’ve preferred to remain quiet about.
So I’ve asked myself, “Why?”
Why do I choose to keep it a secret? Why do I choose to cover up with excuses whenever someone asks about my scars?
“My cat scratched me. I have allergies. They were mosquito bites…”
(really though…who actually believes these excuses)
Then why is it so hard for me to just say to people that, yes I’ve struggled with self-harm – that yes, I’ve gone through periods of depression and anxiety and these marks are the scars they’ve left behind during the lowest times.
The answer is…because of the taboo surrounding this topic. Because a part of me is still worried about what others may think.
When people glance at your arm, and you watch their expression subtly change when they realize what they’re looking at…you feel vulnerable, you feel weak, you feel exposed. Literally it’s as if you’re showing your weakness to the entire world. And quite frankly people will judge.
Pulling my sleeves down, or hiding my arms behind me when I speak to people…it’s something I do without a second thought, and a way of trying to hide it I guess. But now that I think about it, doing that just seems to go against everything I’m doing when I write and share my experiences.
The whole point of writing about these issues is so the stigma surrounding mental health can be undone. I open up and write it all out, in hope that it can at least help someone, and provide assurance that they are not going through it alone. And at times this can mean showing my vulnerability and being ‘judged’…but so be it. I know how isolating it can feel when you struggle with things like self-harm, anxiety, depression etc…And I don’t want anyone to even have to go through it…or at least feel like they’re going through it alone.
My self-harm started when my anxiety attacks started getting out of hand…and I needed a way to break loose. I’d always be alone, getting increasingly panicky, my heart rate would increase, there would be a lot of crying and I’d just try to ride over this wave. At times the wave of anxiety would be too hard to ride…and there would just be a constant stream of irrational and fearful thoughts running through my mind. I would’ve tried all my distraction techniques by then – watching videos, listening to music, cleaning up the room…basically anything to get my mind off things. But sometimes they just would not work.
A lot of people would say, “Why don’t you go talk to someone? Call someone?”… Because at that point, there would not be a single rational thought going through my mind. I was alone, scared, and believed that the only solution was self-harm. It allowed me a sense of control over a situation that felt out of control. That physical pain provides a distraction from the thoughts running through your mind, and in a sense it brings you back into reality.
From then on, it becomes almost like a compulsion. That you feel as if you ‘need’ to self-harm in order to get through your day…like it’s the only thing keeping your anxiety attacks from getting out of hand. That’s why it’s so hard to stop.
No, this isn’t a ‘sympathy’ post. Rather, I just want to share a brief insight about what going through self-harm is like. Though, keep in mind the experience would be different for everybody.
Self-harm, anxiety attacks, depression, etc…are heart-breaking experiences (both for the person and their family). If you’ve ever had a broken heart, you would understand why that term is used — it often feels like your heart is disintegrating into tiny pieces exactly like a broken bowl. Perhaps you put on a happy face, because life must go on, because you don’t want to be judged by those around you. But then the night comes, and you find yourself lying in bed, alone with your thoughts, tears streaming down your face and the weight of life heavy on your chest. It makes you wonder if you’ll ever make it to the other side of the pain, and worst of all, you feel completely isolated from the world.
Jesus knew this feeling. When he was hung on the cross, exposed, beaten and betrayed by those whom he loved, he felt very alone. The Bible says he cried out “My God, my God, why did you abandon me?” (Matthew 27:46)
I understand that some people are going to be more open about mental health issues compared to others, and that’s okay. Self-harm isn’t something we should hide away because just like with many other mental health issues, there should be greater awareness of it. It isn’t a healthy way to deal with emotions…and if you are struggling with it…please do reach out to someone.
And for those who can’t understand why anyone would deliberately cause pain to themselves, and for those who judge without first knowing why…then please try to find some sense of understanding that someone who self-harms, is someone who is hurting inside and needs love and support more than ever. The last thing they need are disapproving glances, and gossip.
“Don’t be ashamed of what happened to you. Everything that has happened to you, has happened to you for a reason. The more we deny and don’t accept what has happened to us, the more it is prevented from becoming useful. The moment we accept it and find what’s useful in the struggle, the things that we’ve been through…that’s just like us painting the cracks in our broken pieces gold.Turning something that could be ugly, into something beautiful and inspiring.”
Maybe you are suffering from self-harm. Maybe your loved one is suffering from it. Maybe you lost someone you loved due to some type of mental illness, or you’re suffering from a life-threatening illness. As hard as these situations are, we can find comfort in God’s Word! He never promised a life without heartache, but His Word gives us promises to hold on to when those times come.
1. God is near
The Lord is near to those who are discouraged; he saves those who have lost all hope. ~ Psalm 34:18
2. God will strengthen you
You made me suffer a lot, but you will bring me back from this deep pit and give me new life. ~ Psalm 71:20
3. God is with you
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. ~ Isaiah 43:1
4. Hard times won’t last forever
I consider that what we suffer at this present time cannot be compared at all with the glory that is going to be revealed to us. ~ Romans 8:18
5. God has a plan for your life
I alone know the plans I have for you, plans to bring you prosperity and not disaster, plans to bring about the future you hope for. ~ Jeremiah 29:11
6. Don’t give up
We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies. ~ 2 Corinthians 4:8-10
“When what you have been through is inspiration for other people, then it was all worth it”
It’ll take a while for me to stop being so self-conscious of my scars, but for now they act as a reminder that things do get better. That through this all, you’ve come out stronger, and you’ve painted those struggles in gold. Remember, you are loved and every bit worthy of being loved, no matter how broken you are. Sometimes it takes being broken in order to become that new version of yourself.