I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again: Recovering from an eating disorder is hard. It’s a hard, frustrating, and at often times an emotional process. Sure there’ll be ups and downs… but I think one of the most important things to have in recovery is the support and understanding from those around you.
Sadly there are so many misconceptions surrounding eating disorders. More often than not, the one affected by an eating disorder would feel as if no one understood them (as is the case with mental illnesses in general). *sigh* If only recovering from an eating disorder was as easy as ‘just eating more’.
Below are some things I guess people with eating disorders would want others to understand. Well… they’re what I would want my family and friends to understand at least.
1. My eating disorder was about having a sense of control. Losing weight was a part of it but it was never fully centred around it: Okay, I was a chubby kid during my awkward pre-teen years. But after I grew out of that stage, my body image has always been low. I still saw myself as that “chubby” girl. I remembered being called “thick”, “fat”, and “chubby”, by relatives behind my back – and yes, those words have stuck with me since. Yet, my eating disorder never surfaced till a couple of years later.
But another thing many people don’t understand is that my eating disorder functions as my coping mechanism. That probably explains why I first showed signs of anorexia during a rather stressful period.
We feel a sense of “losing control” in our lives…hence we use our eating disorder as a way of dealing with it. Body image only plays a part in the manifestation of an eating disorder – the main cause of an eating disorder is that feeling of suddenly losing control of life.
By being able to restrict my food intake and the types of food I ate gave me that sense of control. When people commented on how “great I looked”, I felt a sense of achievement. Yes it’s a counterproductive coping mechanism, but it’s something I can have control of without the influence of other people.
The biggest misconception surrounding eating disorders would definitely be how everyone assumes it’s just about weight and wanting “to be thin”. Of course when you assume that, naturally you’d think that the easiest solution would be getting the person to “just eat”. If only recovering from an eating disorder was that easy. The process of recovering from an eating disorder requires a person to change thought patterns around her -esteem, her relationship with , and letting go of that coping .
2. Sometimes it’s not that I don’t want to recover. It’s that I am scared of letting go. Scared of the unknown:
Having an eating disorder really impacts every single part of your life. Yes, some days in recovery are better than others…but it really does consume you; your thought processes, your ability to think clearly… everything!!
The more weight I dropped, the more controlling the eating disorder became. Ironically the only way to make the eating disorder to be less controlling…was to put on weight. Our eating disorders act as our emotional control mechanism and it provides us with that sense of relief (the only small benefit). During the deepest period of my eating disorder, I honestly could not imagine what life without my eating disorder would be like.
Why?
Mainly because my eating disorder has helped me get through some of the hardest/most stressful times I’ve had in the past. And to have that sense of control taken away from me would make me resolve to other At times during recovery, when food was forcibly portioned out for me, or when forced to engage in actions that my eating disorder “wasn’t comfortable with” – I would turn to self-harm as a form of coping. Yes, both are bad coping mechanisms… but it’s a cycle. You take one coping mechanism away, your mind will resolve to another.
Below are a few more things I’ve listed briefly. I won’t go into much detail as I feel like the above two are more important…plus the ones listed below are pretty self-explanatory. So:
3. I can’t “just eat”. The world inside my head is so twisted and controlling. Losing any aspect of that control will send me into a panic.
4. It’s lonely – eating disorders are hard to understand…and I do not blame others for not understanding. I just wish you’d be more patient with me at times. I can’t help getting anxious over an extra scoop of rice, or having to eat out spontaneously. I do try my best.
5. Recovery from an eating disorder is a choice. However, developing an eating disorder is NOT a choice.
6. I am sorry I cannot just “turn off” my eating disorder any time I please. The whole idea of recovery involves the need for me to make changes to my entire thought processes when it comes to food, and my anxiety, and my self-esteem in general.
7. Spontaneous dinner outings, social gatherings, eating in front of people – these seem like simple tasks for people, but for a person like me with eating disorders, I have to get over huge mental hurdles. So if I agree to go out for a social gathering or dinner… please don’t be too harsh on me. My anxiety would probably already be at its brink.
8. I don’t need to know how many calories I am consuming during eating disorder recovery. People with eating disorders know the calorie count of almost every food… so asking me to ‘count calories to make sure we I am eating enough’ is very counterproductive. I count calories to restrict…
9. Eating disorders don’t just take control of my eating habits, it takes control over my every action, my every thought.
10. I didn’t choose to have this eating disorder, neither is it a lifestyle. It’s more complex that just being about food and weight – I use it to mask my emotional/psychological struggles.
11. What you see on the outside is only the tip of the iceberg.
12. I can’t wake up one day magically “wish” my eating disorder out of my life. It becomes a part of me; to the point where I cannot even find the real me until choose to destroy this disorder. is hard. Forgive me when relapse.
13. Eating disorders do not act alone. It has friends too – depression and anxiety.
14. To be honest I will never expect you to fully understand eating disorders. But I do hope you’ll support me through my recovery and be patient with me.
I hope that after reading this post have a better understanding of what recovery from an eating disorder is like…and what goes on inside the mind of someone suffering from eating disorder. Maybe now you me differently?
By Tiff, currently studying in Australia