Thoughts: I fear rejection – crave acceptance. I want to make you happy because I love you. I want to make you happy so you’ll love me. In simple words, when you’re not happy with me…I have failed.

I dare say I was born into a rather…typical ‘Asian/conservative’ family?
You know, lots of cousins, lots of aunts and uncles etc. Every decision made goes through everyone in the family – yes even the extended family. And being in such a large family means that there will be certain expectations of you whether you like it or not.

Growing up I’ve always felt like the ‘under-achiever’ of the family. I couldn’t sing, haven’t won as many awards, can’t do public speaking to save my life, awkward as heck…and just always academically slightly behind. Always second place basically.

Hence, growing up I leaned towards being a ‘people-pleaser’. Doing things to make people happy and to keep the peace.

Yet this past year or so had me failing many many times (both intangibly and tangibly) to live up to several expectations of people who I thought wanted more from me, and also the expectations I had of myself.

Feelings of failure had become so evident at this point that even minor failures – like not being able to think of writing topics – would reduce me to tears. My anxiety increased ridiculously during that time and so did my eating disorder. Everything was grey – nothing had meaning to it anymore. I was done.

The juxtaposition of who I want to be, and who I actually am, did not line up. I woke up one morning, my anxiety through the roof for no apparent reason, looked out the window and realised that life shouldn’t be like this. Why am I like this? Trapped in a bubble of anxiety. Miserable.

My anxiety…my eating disorder. What has that done to me? Well…look at me, I’ve dropped out of med school. Does that make me a failure? At the time, yes…I saw myself as a failure. But now, looking back…maybe dropping out wasn’t such a bad idea.

Now I don’t consider it ‘dropping’ out of med school. More like, taking a break to decide which step next to take in life. To recover. A part of me still nudges me sometimes, saying how I am ‘wasting’ a year by doing this, yet another part of me knows that I need to recover both mentally and physically if I want to be able to do anything in the long run.

Every day (even now) my thoughts conflict with each other – whether it would be due to comments made about how this anxiety and eating disorder was ‘my fault’…or whether it would be blame from my own self.

I know there are expectations people hold. Yes. I acknowledge the fact that I may have failed some people. But whether their hope in me was correct or not, my mind was constantly battling those conflicting thoughts on things I could’ve done better in the past – decisions I could’ve made better.

The sadness of ‘what was’ overshadowed what ‘would be’. In a sense, I was still stuck in the past.

Disappointing people is painful. Disappointing the people you love, not being able to make them happy…and even being a source of worry for them – it makes me want to hide, disappear, and just cry. What an embarrassment.

Rationally you can’t please everyone…and I know that – my rational mind knows that. My irrational mind doesn’t.

Maybe I can’t please you today, tomorrow, next week…or ever. But does it matter?

My irrational mind wants to defy the odds and live up to the expectations held of me all these years (whether those were expectations I held of myself, or held by my family/society… I don’t know).

I wanted to do better…but I am not. Wow. Typing that hurt a lot. But after ‘resting’ at home for the past few months, going through ups and downs, relapse after relapse…I’ve done a lot of thinking.

And you know what I’ve realised? I’ve realised that my hope cannot be in what someone thinks of me. Constantly seeking the approval of someone…it’ll drive you crazy. I mean 18 years of constantly trying to please people and seeking their approval, or even the approval of yourself – look what happened!

On the plus side though, you become more understanding, more compassionate and sensitive to the emotions of others. More empathetic to the world around you. Often I find myself asking people whether or not they are okay. Maybe it’s because you know what it feels like to ‘not be okay’, and you do everything in your power to make sure they don’t have to feel like that (you know what I mean?).

I admit, going through the anxiety and eating disorder made my faith in the Lord drop for a period of time. Every relapse I went through it just felt like He wasn’t there.

A few months ago I decided to pick up a book of devotions that was laying around on the bookshelf in my room. I’m not sure what compelled me to open up the book, but when I did…what was written in there spoke so profoundly to me.

My works and deeds do not have any bearing on my salvation. Through Christ I have been approved – not only that, I have been approved AND delighted in.

In my multitude of weaknesses, He is strong. His joy is my strength – my weaknesses will be built up for His glory.

Living for God can be both very freeing and very difficult. Freeing, because you’re no longer living just to seek the approval of others; but difficult because most of the time…you don’t get to justify ‘why’ it was done, or whether it was ‘the right choice’ to make. All you have is the faith you hold in your heart. And sometimes all you really need is that faith you hold.

Some mornings I still wake up and feel like a failure; like I’ve wasted my entire year trying to get over my eating disorder. My anxiety would build up and I would cry (yes I cry a lot). But it’s during these times you just have to remember that God will never disappoint. He is always faithful. Always kind. And always patient.

God puts dreams in our hearts for a reason – even if you cannot see those dreams yet. A small setback doesn’t mean that God has abandoned you or that those dreams you had are now unattainable. God works in His own divine timing, and His timing is ALWAYS perfect. Just trust Him and keep your faith. Pray without ceasing.

We learn from our mistakes. We’ll fall over and over again whilst trying to navigate the maze of life. Sometimes it’ll seem like everyone has turned their backs on you. But what’s important is to continue walking, even if you fall over, just stand up and walk on.

God’s joy is my strength. I know He has the best plan. Trust Him.

By Tiff
Currently studying in Australia