MY name is Esther and I’m 18. A brief introduction about myself, I am now doing my A-levels in Methodist College Kuala Lumpur (MCKL), I just finished Semester 1 (YAY! Praise God!). I’d like to share my experience with my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ as it has been a very challenging, dramatic yet fruitful semester.
Those who did A-levels before, hats off to you guys. A-level is a very tough course to take. It requires a lot of discipline, mental strength and also faith. I’m going to be super honest here, going to MCKL really adds on to the stress. They say diamonds are made under pressure, and yes, that’s how MCKL produces many star students. The amount of pressure I have to face every day cannot be described by words. From having to maintain a certain amount of GPA to keep my scholarship to being surrounded by many of Malaysia’s top students (I have a friend who is Top in the world and 1st in Malaysia for her IGCSE results), my daily routine is literally eat – sleep – study – repeat.
As a very playful teen, this kind of lifestyle felt like being in chains to me. Feeling the pressure, I started staying in school every day to study until 10pm. It was VERY STRESSFUL. (Ah yes…. A typical student dying inside)
Because of that, I also face something that I know many teens (even adults) out there are facing. MENTAL INSTABILITY. It is something that we normally don’t tell our parents or anyone for that matter; something that we just hold on to ourselves. Don’t look at us like, ai yah, they always like that, they memang ok one (insert Malaysian accent). NO, WE ARE NOT OK…… One of the many reasons why (after dealing with countless teens facing this problem) is that we are afraid of what our parents would say, what they would think. We are bounded by the invisible, unconscious expectation that parents and we ourselves have.
WE ARE NOT OK
We are afraid that when we come out and say, hey, I’m not ok, we’ll either be bombarded by countless WHY DID YOU DO THAT, or endless ‘preaching’. At least this is something from my perspective and I do not stand for the majority as everyone has different opinions. In my heart, I know this is how typical Asian parents would react and do, and y’all do it out of the overflowing love you have for us. But what we hope, what I hope, is that you listen quietly, and just give me a hug.
Mental instability, it didn’t start all of a sudden, deep down I know, it has always been there; emotions, piled up, waiting for its moment to erupt. And my mental instability finally erupted, again, after 3 years because of this: I, ironically play the role of being the most mentally stable college kid. By that it means I act as the little “counselor” for my friends. I mean, it’s a gift God has given me, the gift of compassion and the ability to relate to their situation and help them. I acknowledge that and let’s say I love this gift. But as time went on, I kind of realized that I might have a bit of the Messianic complex (me thinking that I have the responsibility to assist people; so even if I’m not ok, mentally or physically, if the person I helped is, then everything will be alright), and I’m burning myself out. Often neglecting my mental and physical needs.
Panic Attack
Allow me to share an example. I remember that week was a very hectic week. It all started with a text message my friend/classmate/housemate sent in our group chat: “Guys…. Help, I can’t breathe!! I’m scared! I’m at the LRT Station.” And immediately I knew something was wrong. I called her and the worst case scenario happened, she was having a panic attack.
She was crying over the phone, repeatedly saying, “Esther! Run! Fast! I’m scared! I don’t want to die” over and over again. The station was 10 minutes away from the school, and I had to run. Time was ticking, I was stressed. I managed to arrive in under five minutes (before my shoelace for some unknown reason got caught in the escalator and needed yanking out). Panting, I told her to pray. And glory to God, He sent an angel. A doctor was there to help her. Little did I know, the roller coaster I jumped on was going to go down….real fast. That same week, she had two more attacks, and I had to run to her aid immediately. Two of my other housemates were under a lot of pressure and stress as exam week was approaching. The whole atmosphere of the house was moody and depressed.Despite all that, I was still holding it together, telling myself not to fail as my friends needed me. Days later, another housemate was having a panic attack as well, at the same station… (I have no idea why all of us are like that but yeah…..teens these days….) I remember excusing myself and running out of biology class, got someone to send her to a nearby clinic, called her mom to describe about the situation. After I looked after everything and made sure she was ok, I went back to college.
Then terror struck, I could not focus, I experienced difficulty breathing and my temperature dropped. I was overwhelmed by all the things that had happened, all the stress I had due to studies erupted ( with an intensive course, we had at least one test every week which was added into our semester exam grade). I told my friends not to worry about me and go to class. And as a sensible kid, I skipped Math class. (Of course I told my lecturer and still did homework.)
Love Ourselves First
The next morning when I did my devotion, I prayed to God for patience. God spoke to me. God showed me small measures of kindness will make a difference in this world. Life is made up of little opportunities to care, so make it a priority to seize these opportunities. But before that, we must learn to love ourselves first. LOVE may seem easy, but to really do it, to really love unconditionally is very hard. And I believe through God nothing is impossible. So let’s learn together, to love, just as Jesus has loved us. And for the record, college life is not (just) students dying internally, it is actually an opportunity from God to learn. To gain both knowledge and wisdom for the Kingdom of God. Glory to God, Amen.
By Esther Lau
Currently studying in KL